The next chapter...Friday, May 20, 2016
Today, I have begun a whole new chapter. A chapter I never thought would be written for me. Yesterday, after nearly 11 years as a Social Worker, I pushed pause on that part of my life. Thirty days ago, I put in my notice and began preparing to leave me full-time job, for good.
I haven't written about it or really even shouted it from the rooftops for any reason other than what I think is fear. Fear of the unknown, the unexpected, the possible struggle we will face as we figure this whole new chapter out. Because, trust me, there is much still to figure out. We as a family knew it would always be better if I could be home with the boys more. Wesley and I both work 8 hour days, 5 days a week. I realize that this is what most of the world does, but it doesn't make it any easier. We never get home before 6 o'clock and I mean never, it's actually usually closer to 7pm when we are all home eating dinner and with a toddler this means that by the time the last person sits down to eat, the toddler is done because he was the first one served and the preschooler asks for about 164 things when you are trying woof down your dinner before it's completely cold, so you can deal with the melting, food covered toddler before it's really just too late (you know what I mean moms of toddlers). With a 4 and 1 year old, it's hard to even have a moment to just enjoy each other. We need to decompress from our day and get ready for the next. This makes for so little time together and so many high emotions. It makes for late bed times and late mornings with grumpy children.
And then there's me, the part of me that has always wanted to use my creativity in a way that serves a purpose and has a point. So, I also have a photography business on top of all of that and this blog. At first they were one thing, together, a unit. I photographed and shared here... people, places, events in our lives, but then it all started to grow and morph into something I never really thought it would be. I said for years... I don't want photography to be my job because then it will cause me stress. I was afraid that being obligated to it would take the fun out of the creativity. I still think that is going to happen sometimes, but what I have found over the past year, is that even in the stress the finished product is worth it. Even if I'm a week late and the emails are rolling in asking for galleries and I'm doling out my legitimate excuses, I feel good when I look at that completed gallery and then get that email back from a mom who loves her photos so much she'll never be able to decide which ones to print. That completion of a task with a satisfying outcome is something I have never gotten as a social worker.
So, here we are, at an impasse. I want to work less and be here for my family more. In deciding what had to go, because something did, HAVE to go, the answer became clear, my full time job that I didn't love was the thing. With it, a lot of other things will probably have to go to, but we are determined to make it work for us. I know I will struggle, but my babies won't be babies forever and I can always go back to work if it just gets too hard. The really real truth is though, I'm trusting God to take it from here. Well, I'm working on that. The trust part. I realized that the pull to do this a long time ago, wasn't just coming just from my mommy guilt, it was coming from deep inside my heart. Then, I started saying out loud, that I felt like if I made the leap, He would take the next step.
Only He knows the plans he has for me and I trust God fully to take care of my family, even in the midst of my fear. I need this stamped on my forehead to read every time I look in the mirror.
So, for now, I'm planning to spend lots of days behind the camera and lots and lots of days what I'll be looking at are these incredible little gifts I've been given. Not just given, charged with nurturing, educating, comforting, teaching, and enjoying.
and as if this is the end of my speech... here's to the best summer ever. I'm ready to start writing this new chapter!