Life Lately and all of the Emotions! - Behind the Camera and Dreaming

Life Lately and all of the Emotions!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


I just need to be really real for a minute. I feel like I've been kind of quiet lately. I have still been posting but not a real - from my heart- lets just chat kind of post and I need it. Over the past two weeks I think I've been through the gamut of every emotion I could possibly have. We took a short trip to the beach Friday-Sunday and I was actually dreading it. I know that's ridiculous because I LOVE the beach, but with such a short trip plus how uncomfortable I am, the number of children that were going with us, my inability to drink alcohol or eat my weight in key lime pie, lack of sleep and things that have been going on with my extended family at home - I just felt like it was going to be an additional stressor when all I want to do is relax. I am so glad that I was so wrong. We arrived fairly early on Friday afternoon, parked and stayed at the condo until Sunday when we packed up and headed home. It was amazing. I'll write more about the trip and our room/stay later, but honestly all six children were really well behaved (including mine - minus a few accidents), it wasn't too terribly hot because it rained, I got to sleep in a bed that was SO comfy and I got to basically do nothing. Thank you family - I love you! Needless to say I feel much better this week.


That was not the case this time last week. Last Wednesday - I sat in my office on the phone with my mom trying so hard not to cry that I completely chocked on my water, made my nose bleed, and rubbed any shred of makeup I had on completely off! For some reason when the third trimester hit two weeks ago, I lost all control of my emotions. That, combined with feeling disappointed and stressed that my husband's bonus check wasn't as much as I thought it would be, meaning things will be even tighter financially while I'm on maternity leave, Jonah has decided that he isn't really potty trained anymore and we are having to take a few steps backwards to get the accidents under control, nor have I made the first stitch in any of the things I want to sew for the new baby's space, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

Then, two weeks ago today, my grandfather was taken to the hospital with really bad lower back/hip pain. So much so that he could not be moved out of bed. After lots of investigation, they found what we knew could happen but weren't really expecting - the cancer they found years ago in his kidneys has spread to his bones - hips, pelvis, legs and spine. After much debate and discussion, he and my grandmother decided that he would be moved to a hospice facility. He is there now and is finally starting to be recognizable as him self, but we really don't know how much longer he will be here on earth with us. We all love him so much. For the past 31 years, he has been a constant in my life and it's hard to imagine what life will be like without him. In my head, I know he's 86 years old and his body is failing him, which is a part of life, but putting feelings into words, explaining it to Jonah and the possibility of my children not getting to have the memories of him that I have is hard. He's finally at a point where I think I can take Jonah to see him in hospice, but I can't hold it together long enough to explain to him what it means to be sick and not get better. After taking him to the hospital last Sunday, Jonah came home and told his Daddy that Papa Joe was all better. So, pray for me, for my grandfather's comfort and for my family's peace.  Pray that I'll be able to find the words to help my precious boy understand as much as he can. I don't know how much I'll explain now or when the time comes, but I know it'll be hard on my heart.

One thing that I have learned though that even in sadness and hard times, God created us for so much more. Finding the balance in dealing with the hard emotions and celebrating the joyful things in life is hard, but I have a healthy baby boy coming in about ten weeks, we celebrated the marriage of a great friend a week and a half ago, my cousin is getting married in September, and the sky is fully blue and the sun is shining today! Life is really good and God's timing is always perfect.




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9 comments

  1. Hey lady! Sorry you've had such a tough couple of weeks. Wanted to send some good vibes your way. Just remember that we all have tough times. Sometimes we handle them well... sometimes they bring us down for a while. But life is a beautiful, magical thing, and that magic will always come back to the forefront.

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    1. Thank you for the comments Sara! I really appreciate it. Life is beautiful and magical!

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that about your grandfather. He and your family are in my prayers. I'm glad you were able to relax last weekend though. :-)

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather, but am glad that he's at a hospice home where they can truly help him be comfortable and have a peaceful rest of his life. Prayers for you and your family during this time- I can't imagine the emotions you are going through while mourning your grandfather's disease progression and celebrating your new little boy at the same time. Its a lot to process! Prayers for Jonah, and prayers for you for rest and peace, and prayers for this sweet baby you're preparing for. :)

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    1. It IS a lot to process for sure. When I focus on what my family is going through I kind of get overwhelmed by it and consumed. I think now I've had a little more time to process it, I feel a little more at ease and know that I need to focus on celebrating life! It's hard though! Thanks for the prayers

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  4. by the way, you look great- and that dress is gorgeous!

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  5. I just wanted to say that it's good you wrote this out. I'm so sorry that things aren't going well with your grandfather. It's good he's in a place where he can receive great care. This must be so hard. I just want you to know how special it is that you have had him in your life as a constant, as a support, and a cherished loved one. I barely knew my grandfather, one I didn't know at all. And my son doesn't have a close relationship with his grandfathers either. Though he is closer to his grandmothers than I was to mine. I have always thought it was so beautiful when people really do have that amazing grandparent relationship and I'm so happy for you that you have that in your life, even though I barely know you, and only have seen your posts via the Catch the Moment group. Anyway, please know my heart goes out to you. The heavy things in life are never easy to go through or to explain to our children. I wish you the very best with this whole process, and wish your grandfather many well wishes too.

    I'm glad you were able to have a beautiful time at the beach. It reminds me of the saying:

    “The cure for anything is salt water. Sweat, tears or the ocean.” — Isak Dinesen

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    1. I love that saying and thank you so much. I know we have been blessed to have grandparents and great grandparents for our children. It's just a big change - I feel like our family gatherings will just be different and the traditions we have all come to know and cherish will still be there but just not feel the same. It's something you always know is coming one day but still hard when that day comes. Change is hard - good or bad! Thank you so much for your thoughts

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