my motherhood - Behind the Camera and Dreaming

my motherhood

Thursday, May 16, 2013

You may have noticed that things look a little different around here over the last month, that is, if you visit this blog regularly. I am still working out the tweaks and getting everything set back in place, it takes me forever, but Ashley at Dinosaur Stew made this dreamy design JUST for me. She is so talented and really easy to work with. 

While getting a new design is fun, it also makes me think about what exactly I want this blog to be. I KNOW that I want it to be a place where I gather all my memories and document Jonah, motherhood, and the special bits of our life. I want to showcase my growth in photography and continue to expand my skill set. 
More than that, I want it to be a place where people can come to really get to know me, as a mother, as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a working mom, and as a woman of faith. I want all of that to show in all that I am, all that I write, and in every moment I capture with my camera. 


So, I want to start talking a little more, just getting to know me, why I blog, where I come from, my heart, etc. It's kind of scary because I know some of my real life friends and family read occasionally and I like being able to hide behind this computer because there are things I put out there that I would never just bring up in casual conversation, but I know that really shouldn't hold me back. 



So, tonight since I promised more from Mother's Day, here we go on my motherhood. Where I am as a mom a year and a half after the birth of my first child. 



I can honestly say, everyday, I am happy to be a mother. Not one day or hour really goes by that I think of what life would be like not being a mom. I know that isn't true for everyone, but I was ready. God prepared my heart leading up to becoming pregnant. I've written before that it felt like he was just waiting for me to say "okay, I'm ready".  I truly believe that his timing is perfect. Sometimes I wish I would have started younger but I know without a doubt that things were suppose to happen the way they did. 

Now even with perfect timing,  I'd be lying if I said that I felt totally prepared or knowledgeable about raising a child, because that's a big negative. Even with years of training and practice in behavioral therapy, human development, and stages of growth I am still sometimes clueless. It really is different when it's your own child. I think that's where my confidence in myself and self doubt start to really show. 

I had a conversation with my sister and mom just last week about not knowing what to do about some of Jonah's behaviors and even considering the option of spanking him when time out isn't an option. Now, I know that's a controversial topic and maybe a conversation for a different day, but it just goes to show that you never really know who you will be as a parent until you are put into those challenging situations. 


As much as I adore my child  he can sometimes be a challenge. I like to think that I'm calm and easy going with him and know when to just let something go, but the truth is I'm not. I yell sometimes. Mostly words like "no" and "stop _____" insert whatever he is doing or "owwww no!" like yesterday when he bit me in the back of my leg. 

A couple of months ago I read the book Unglued by Lysa Terkhurst. I can identify a lot with most of it. The feeling of saying or doing something then immediately regretting. I feel like I'm past some of my unglued behaviors, but there are certainly plenty I still need to work on. (note to self: reread and put some of her suggestions into practice) 

On the opposite side of my failures and the pieces of motherhood that I lack, I feel like my baby knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love him. I say it to him about a thousand times a day and that will never stop. Most of the time I am in awe of motherhood. I am thankful that God gave me motherhood. How can a bond be so strong and pulling at you all the time? 

I feel like I'm suppose to be a mother to more than just this one little boy, but that's where it ends. I don't know beyond that, I'm not there yet. For now, I'm doing the best I can with this one little treasure and just waiting to see what comes next.







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4 comments

  1. I can totally relate to this post! Your pictures are beautiful too!

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  2. These little ones can definitely be very challenging at times. Sometimes it so hard to know what to do and how exactly to handle certain situations. I am struggling with this myself. I know that I need to do what I feel is right and what i am comfortable with as far as parenting my son but finding what works is hard. I am a new here, haven't been following along very long but I enjoy reading and can't wait to see more.

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  3. Motherhood is such a constant guessing game in and of itself, and then we spend the rest of the time second-guesing ourselves. Mainly because we're sleep deprived, but also because it's just the nature of the thing. The hardest thing is when you're hit with one challenge after another, with no rest between, and you feel like you lose sight of anything normal. Cliche as it sounds, each challenge is a phase and it is nice to know that some phases won't last forever (like TEETHING! BEAST!)....

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  4. You took the words out of my head and heart. I have been in such a rough place with my sons naughty behavior and regret my words or actions sometimes. I may have to get that book and read it.

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